raw. open. exposed. come on in
#veryhumanrollercoaster #traumarecovery
Photo by Kendall
don't ask ... we have little idea
or maybe we have every idea and that got just too overwhelming
we can't blame it all on dissociation ... alas
You don't have to be very astute to notice we were all fired up and plodding along wonderfully with grand intentions for our best effort for a blog and then it kind of petered into a very noble effort at sustaining the daily art practice and then that just ended. Bam. Gone. No warning, no explanation. Bye. Sooooo, what happened? I let the demons in and I let them dance loudly. Yep. What am I even talking about? Fear, doubt, unworthy, shAme! Not just me, all of us. We all did it. Here's the thing - I was loving this blog. I already had a couple of people riffing off it and that felt so inspiring and warm and fuzzy and nurturing and I was starting to allow myself to enjoy it. And more than that, it was holding me accountable to my daily mental health tools and practice and it was doing me wonders. So, in came our most dreaded S word: S-A-B-O-T-A-G-E. I do it superbly well. I just drop everything that is moving me forward and I crawl into my underground hovel and I hide from the world. And I tighten the shackles of past trauma to my ankles and I bathe my wings in stinking oil and sludge and we are grounded! Nobody is going anywhere. Victim cape - come adorn me, I am here and waiting!
But here's the genius - I do it in the name of self care! Yup!
And I block the light, I block the future, I block the growth. And I am the master of self deception. If I do the blog, I am neglecting my other work, I am not spending enough time with my children, I am putting pressure on myself that is unfair and going to be my downcoding, I am actually helping myself and taking better care of myself to just step aside and let it go. I need to ...
I need to ..
Uhm, I need to ...
... I need to bladdy show up and keep going with my blog is what I need to do!
yeah
ok
but then I didn't. Then I wrote a very formal post about shame
and I didn't post it because I was too ashamed
and then I told myself I needed to nurture myself and stay
hidden
ashamed
then I tried to fight shame like a warrior with 17 mighty weapons
only I can't fight shame, because shame always seems to win
I need to outsmart shame
I need to use my rational brain and listen to what I have actually come to know is logic and truth ...
... so much harder to do than it is to say
so I keep dancing in my circles of tar
and making marks that loom to swallow
And as this world of possibility started to be blocked from sight by my own shadow, I realised this time was different. This time I didn't want to lose it. This time I wanted to climb back out and keep going. Start preening the oil from my wings and ..
---and I don't know
but I want to try
so here I am
beginning again
I hope you'll allow me the blunder and the many more I know are still to come
and join me again as I get up again
and again
and again
This time, I promise
Kendall
_______________
How to join: please come in
Many many days we feel alone or lost or just utterly discombobulated (fave word). Other days we feel like we are awash with wisdom or insight or hope. It's a rollercoaster alright!
Probably the most vital thing for us on our journey is that we are not travelling alone. We have the world's most magnificent friends, access to amazing therapy and a whole lot of serendipity of perhaps divine intervention?
I don't know about you, but rollercoasters all alone are no fun. So let's share the ride - the more the merrier, as "they" say (who are "they" anyway? This time "they" are right).
So here's where we share openly and authentically and expose ourselves with all our bits and pieces. At first we wanted to title this section "hanging out the dirty laundry" but then we realised it wasn't dirty, it was just life.
So please, journey with us. Let's hold one another and find encouragement in togetherness as we go Doooooown and UP. Because we always do. Smile
Same as always, follow along, add your own, riff off ours.
If you're feeling brave, post your versions in our comment feed so others can be inspired too. Or upload to your own social media (be sure to use our hashtags - #veryhumanrollercoaster - so we can find each other). Either way, make sure to comment on posts by others and encourage one another as we find new voices.
The only rules are: RESPECT!
See you in there!
Leonora et al